Time Together

May 1, 2010 by Andrew John

Probably the single biggest contributor to the breakdown in relationships today is that couples do not spend enough time together. They do not make their relationships a number one priority. The relationship gets put on the back burner. Everything else seems more important - careers, children, hobbies, community involvement, and personal pursuits. And when relationships are not attended to as they should be, trouble sets in.

People who don't prioritize their relationships often end up fighting during the little time they do have together. They argue about day to day issues; unpaid bills, who should do what, the children. And it's no wonder. It's difficult enough to do what needs to be done in life without trying to coordinate your efforts with your partner's when you're under stress from other matters. The easy answer taken by many is to put the relationship ‘on hold’ while sorting out what seem more urgent and important problems.

The truth however is that arguing about "who's doing what around the house," is really just a symptom of the deeper problem - isolation, loneliness and resentment. You argue about the mundane issues when your emotional needs aren't being met. The untidy kitchen becomes a symbol of a lack of caring for you.

And then this becomes a Catch-22 situation. If you and your partner are arguing a lot, you don't feel like spending time together. In fact, you want to spend as little time as possible with him or her. Unfortunately, avoidance only makes matters worse. More distance, more tension, less cooperation, more conflict, and so on.

Some couples who don't prioritize their relationships don't argue when they're together. They simply have little to do with each other. They resign themselves to the distance between them and their partner and will then from time to time experience bouts of resentment. Leading parallel but separate lives, they start to fall out of love with each other or become strangers. "I just don't love him anymore," she says. Or, "We've just grown apart," says he. Distance in relationships is love's silent killer.

But there's good news in all of this. Time together can be a great healer. Even if it's awkward at first, when two people commit to investing energy and time to their love life, only good things can come from it. When people put their relationships first, they feel appreciated and important. They feel loved. Spending time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, "You matter to me." Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other's jokes, to renew their love.

You don't have to spend enormous amounts of time together to breed closeness and connection. Regular, brief get-togethers work too. It is not necessary to completely change your life to find time together. Small changes in your schedule can make a huge difference. You need to plan and schedule dates together. Plan and look forward to the time you will have together for yourselves.

And in particular.

* Don't waste time trying to figure out whose fault it is that you haven't been spending time together. It really doesn't matter.
* Don't let angry feelings get in the way of making plans with your partner. The best way to change how you feel is by taking action. Doing something enjoyable together will make you and your partner feel more loving. As a result, you may even be able to resolve heated topics more easily in the future.
* Don't think you have to go to a tropical island to make time together meaningful. You don't have to spend a lot of money to show your love for your partner. Go for a walk, read a book together, set aside ten minutes each day to talk. Go for a bike ride. Be creative, discuss what you would both like to do.

Finally, always keep in mind that there's little that's more important in life than loving people and having them love you back. Give the gift of your time. It will be well worth your while.

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